Not The Boy I Was (Held Me Down In This Starless City)
by Annie1268
Summary: AU fic set in 2016; Oliver realizes he's nonbinary. There's plenty of Zollie in this, although it's technically not the main focus. (Rated T for one usage of a mild swear word, and a couple of mentions of... not sure if I'm allowed to use the word in a summary, so let's just say "adult things".)


_Note: this fanfic is AU in more ways than just Ollie being genderqueer. I needed a __Halloween for Zollie to be together at for this to work, so in this _  
__fic, either their first breakup (in 2016) never happened or they got back together earlier than they did on the show, and either way, they moved in together.__

__ Oh, also Ollie is bisexual in this_____ because that's what I headcanon him as. The pronoun switches near the end of the _______fic are all intentional. The characters might be a bit OOC but it's an AU so I don't think it really matters that much. Also, I know that the dude at Albie's thinking Ollie is a cis woman is a bit of a stretch, but it's a stretch I needed to make this work.  
____

__This _____fic's title is from Tiffany Blews by Fall Out Boy. I'm bad at coming up with original titles, lol.  
___

* * *

In retrospect, Oliver would say it started when he was young.

Penny had always seemed to care quite a bit about being a girl, and "girl power" stuff, and Oliver had thought he was supposed to feel the same way about being a boy, but he didn't. People told him he was a boy and he just went with it. He didn't really think that much about it, especially as a young kid. He just _was_ a boy, he didn't really have a problem with that, and occasionally he'd borrow Penny's old dressup costumes, or the ones she'd been given as gifts and didn't like, and pretend to be a princess or fairy, or he'd play with the girls at school. His parents didn't really seem to like it, and he heard whisperings of "he'll grow out of it" and "what if he's gay?" (he had no idea what "gay" meant at the time, but his parents made it sound like a bad thing, so he'd hoped he wasn't gay, whatever that was), but they never actively interfered.

It started changing as he grew up and gender started becoming a bigger deal. By his teenage years, he was dating a different girl every week (and if he was a bit jealous of their clothes, so what? Girls just had more to choose from and better fashion sense, everybody knew that), hanging out with the lads, and generally being a perfect example of masculinity, because that was what he was supposed to do, and it came naturally to him. Not as naturally as it seemed to come for all the other boys, but naturally _enough_. Besides, he had school to focus on - he needed to get good grades if he wanted to be a doctor.

So all things considered, Oliver Valentine didn't really think about gender too much.

* * *

At the beginning of his realization, however, Oliver would tell you it started at Halloween 2016, when Zosia suggested they dressed up as each other, seeing as they both had the day off. She'd lent him a dress (one she'd ordered a while back that had turned out to be too big for her), they'd bought a pair of shoes off the internet from some crossdressing site, and he'd borrowed some of her unused makeup. (In return, he'd lent her a shirt and some jeans that had shrunk in the wash, and she'd hid her hair under a hat.)

And trying on his costume and looking in the mirror, Oliver couldn't help but think he actually made quite a good-looking woman. And actually, the dress was kind of comfortable, and if it were socially acceptable, Oliver thinks, he'd try wearing one outside of Halloween.

Zosia comes in at that moment, wearing her costume, and joking about how she makes a better Oliver than he himself does, and he gives a sarcastic response about how he makes a better Zosia. She punches him playfully in reply, and while they're teasing each other, he just can't quite take his mind off how dressing like this actually kind of feels _right_.

* * *

They go to Albie's to celebrate, and while Zosia just seems to be genuinely having fun and joking around, Oliver - well, he's having fun (sort of, somewhere underneath all the confusion), but in a different kind of way. This feels _good_.

Zosia snaps him out of his thoughts, tapping him on the shoulder. "Ollie, did you hear me?"

"No. Sorry, I'm spacing out a little," he laughs nervously.

"Oh, don't tell me you've got another girlfriend and you're thinking about her." Zosia jokes.

"Nope, no other girl," he confirms. "So what were you saying then?"

"I was asking what this beautiful lady would like to drink." Zosia smirks as she says it, indicating she's not taking this crossdressing thing seriously, which is fine, it _is_ just a Halloween costume, if anything _Oliver's_ the weirdo for thinking about it so much.

"Well, handsome man, I think a pint would be just fine." He laughs again, because that's what he's supposed to be doing, isn't it? Yeah, he's pretty sure it is, especially since Zosia's laughing too, but his thoughts are clouded by this crossdressing thing even more now that Zosia's just called him a beautiful lady, albeit lightheartedly, and it just feels like it_ fits_.

Thankfully, Zosia gets up to order drinks, and he has a few minutes to not have to try to make conversation, not have to try to pretend this is just a silly Halloween costume (unless any of the other people there start talking to him. He crosses his fingers and silently prays to a god he doesn't really believe in that they don't, that he gets a few minutes to just_ think _about the implications of all this).

(The thing is, being a man doesn't bother him. He just thinks that maybe, if he got the chance, he wouldn't mind going out dressed as a woman more often. But he's not going to get that chance, most likely, so it doesn't matter, really, does it?)

Shortly after Zosia returns with their drinks, Dom comes up to them. "Hey, Zosia," he pauses, "And Oliver. I can't tell which one of you is which!" he chuckles at his own joke.

"I don't look_ that _much like him," Zosia's giggling, "And besides, have you ever seen Ollie wear a hat?"

Oliver joins in with the laughter and the rest of the evening is reasonably uneventful - until Zosia and Dom have gone off god-knows-where to talk and some bloke who looks like he's in his early 20s and is dressed as Dracula comes up to him.

"Hey," the man says, with a slightly flirty, but kind and playful, tone to his voice, "Want me to buy you a drink?"

Oliver wonders if he can get away with playing along. He'll never know unless he tries. He pitches his voice up as high as he can (which isn't that high) and says "No thanks, I'm in a relationship."

"Oh,_ dammit_," 'Dracula' replies. "Now I look like a total idiot. I can still buy you a drink though. Let me guess, you're a lesbian?"

"I have a girlfriend, yeah," Oliver replies, still doing the higher-pitched voice, "I'm bisexual, though, not a lesbian. How did you figure it out?" (He's not lying, not about that. He prefers women, but he has been interested in men as well - which, after much denial and saying "I'm not gay, but if I was..." about numerous men throughout his teen years and early 20s, and a couple of incidents where he'd kissed and once even actually slept with a man under the guise of "experimentation" and "fun", he finally figured out after a grief-fuelled one night stand with a guy in Mexico after Tara's death. He'd subsequently tried to forget about it, because it felt like cheating, and he hadn't been in a great place emotionally to say the least, and he still doesn't really like to think about it now, but it led to him finally admitting his sexuality to himself after years of having tried to deny it.)

"The deep voice, and the androgynous look. I figured either that or you were transgender. Uh, not that there's anything wrong with that - My cousin's a lad who was born a woman and I totally support him."

Oliver forces a laugh and a smile, and seriously, this high-pitched voice thing is starting to kind of hurt his throat. "Just get me a pint." He's working tomorrow, so he should probably avoid a hangover, and having already had a drink tonight, he's a bit scared he might slip and confess all his feelings if he gets _too_ drunk, but another pint couldn't hurt. Probably.

The man leaves to order his drink (and presumably one for himself) and it hits Oliver that this guy actually thinks he's a woman. He feels kind of dirty for this, but he'll probably never see him again, and besides, if you can't trick people at Halloween, when can you?

_Although, is this tricking? _asks some part of him in the back of his mind. It is, he's a man, and he's telling this other man that he's a woman, he's tricking him, because he isn't a woman, is he?

_Is _he?

He tries to remind himself that enjoying wearing a dress once doesn't make him transgender, tries to remind himself that he can totally be a guy who just wore a dress once and was okay with it.

'Dracula' comes back with drinks and sits down at the table. "So what are you even dressed up as?"

"My girlfriend. Her and I decided to dress up as each other. It was her idea." It's not lying, technically, the only part of this that's a lie is that he's saying he's a woman (because he isn't, he couldn't be).

"Ah, I see. So, I hope you don't mind me asking this, but when did you realize you were bi?"

"I don't mind," (although actually he kind of does, because oh god, he's gonna have to lie now.) "I was a teenager. I had a crush on my best friend, and realized what I felt for him was the same as what I felt for my female science teacher." He laughs, sort of genuinely, because he did actually fancy his science teacher back in the day. And now, looking back, he's pretty sure he did kind of like Jake as well.

"Oh." there's a brief pause and then the other guy asks him what his name is.

Oliver panics for a second and chooses the first name that comes to mind. "Olivia." (As soon as he says it, he wants to slap himself for being so uncreative, but he's said it and he can't go back now.)

"Cool. Olivia's a nice name. My name's Michael, but you can call me Mike. So, what's your job? I'm a journalist, myself."

"I'm a heart surgeon."

"Cool. I don't think I could do that, something about surgery really freaks me out. I was terrified when I had to get my tonsils out as a kid," Mike laughs. "But I loved having an excuse to eat a ton of ice cream for the next few days afterward."

And then Mike's phone goes off. "Sorry, just gotta take this," he heads outside and comes back a few minutes later. "It's my mate. He says I've gotta come to his house 'cause he's hosting what he calls 'the party of the year' and I can't miss it, apparently. Sorry." he chuckles.

"It's fine," Oliver mutters, although really it's more than fine because, seriously, his throat is aching from pitching up his voice for so long. (_And that's the only reason_, he tells himself.)

"It was great meeting you, Olivia," Mike says, and then he's gone.

Oliver breathes a sigh of relief, but the feeling doesn't last long as he realizes that Mike _actually thought _he was a woman. If he ever runs into him again, he might very well recognize him, and that would be awkward, to say the least - he can just imagine it now; "yeah, I was pretending to be female for the fun of it, sorry you actually thought I was a woman and briefly tried to flirt with me". And if Mike ever ends up in the hospital or visits a friend there - oh god. He knows it's unlikely (or not, given his luck), but his brain keeps coming up with worst case scenarios.

And then Zosia and Dom come back.

"What took you two so long? You were gone for-" he checks his phone, "-25 minutes." (Honestly, he's surprised it was only 25 minutes. It felt a _lot _longer than that.)

"Dom wanted a minute to talk in private and, well, you know him, he can't just have a minute to talk, he needs a whole twenty-five." Zosia laughs, but it seems forced, and Oliver knows they were talking about Arthur, and he knows Zosia and Dom know that he knows, but no one brings it up and Dom quickly changes the subject.

"I think we should have a moment of silence for Isaac, he's at work and can't join the festivities. He seemed so upset when he found out he'd be working on Halloween, you should've _seen_ his face! It's one of his favourite holidays, apparently."

They all stay silent and pretend to be devastated for a minute, and then Dom asks if anyone would like a drink.

"I thought you were gay," Zosia sarcastically remarks.

"Isaac doesn't have to know," Dom winks and they all start laughing. "Seriously, though, Zosh, you make quite an attractive man. If I wasn't dating Isaac and didn't know you were actually a woman, I probably would've asked you out tonight."

"Don't go trying to steal her from me, she's mine," Zosia and Dom start laughing again at Oliver's reply. "You know some bloke actually thought I was a woman and tried to flirt with me?"

"Oh my god."

"Well, tell us what happened next! Don't leave us hanging!"

Dom's encouraging Oliver to continue, and Zosia seems intrigued, so he follows the anecdote up. "I pretended I _was_ a woman and he actually fell for it. Don't worry, though, I did make sure to tell him I was in a relationship," he smirks, "He left after a while, but the _whole time _he stayed convinced!" (He tries to recontextualize it to himself as a funny anecdote, tries to ignore the way it didn't entirely feel like pretending.)

"Wow." Zosia smiles as she adds "I did say you made a beautiful lady."

Dom pretends to retch. "Get a room!"

The rest of the night goes by in a blur and once they're done laughing (or faking laughter, as the case was for Oliver) about the Mike situation, Oliver doesn't think about the costume for the rest of the night. Mostly.

* * *

The next morning, Oliver wakes up with a headache (a mild one, thankfully, because he did try to limit his drinking), and it isn't long before the crossdressing thing makes its way into his mind again.

He enjoyed it, in a way that went beyond Halloween fun, in a way that Zosia didn't (or at least didn't seem to). And even stranger, someone perceived him as a woman and he actually_ liked _it. He pushes it out of his mind as much as he can and goes to get ready for work.

He spends the day trying to ignore his feelings, because yeah, he liked wearing the dress, but so what? It doesn't mean anything, he used to dress up as princesses or fairies all the time when he was a kid, it didn't mean anything then and it doesn't have to mean anything now. And yeah, being called "him" or "man" doesn't always quite feel right but that's not a new thing, he's felt it at times in the past, it's just a bit annoying, that's all, he can deal with it.

* * *

It's a few days later that he treats a patient named Sam, who seems like anyone else he's treated that day until he's talking to Jasmine, who's also treating Sam, about what he thinks might be going on.

"I think she might have-"

"They." Sam interrupts.

"What?"

"You mean 'I think _they_ might have'." Sam pauses and then they add "I'm bigender, which means I feel both male and female - just - call me 'they', please."

"Okay," Oliver replies, and hears Jasmine saying "that's fine, we'll do that" to Sam, but he's just trying to focus his mind on what might be the problem with Sam's heart, trying to avoid thinking about how this 'bigender' thing makes _sense_ to him. He hardly hears himself as he's explaining to Jasmine what Sam's symptoms might mean, because he's trying to focus, really, he is, but - he's heard of 'nonbinary' genders before, knows that some people don't think of themselves as strictly male or female, but he's never really paid much attention to it before. But after Halloween, with the fact that he_ liked _being seen as a woman still on his mind, he can't quite stop thinking about it.

* * *

When he gets home, one of the first things he does is google "bigender". He opens the first page that appears, and then some after that, reads about different people's experiences of gender and how they realized they didn't fit in with the gender binary.

He relates to a lot of them, he realizes, and then he's reading a post on some forum where someone's talking about how zie was raised to be a girl and zie just kind of went with it, that it didn't quite fit but it was close enough, and then zie came across the word 'genderqueer' and realized that fit a lot better.

It's after reading that post that he closes the window, because all this is way too close to his own feelings, and he really doesn't feel like doing the whole 'coming out' thing. Not to himself, not to anyone else. It was one thing when he realized he was bisexual, because he'd known, in the back of his mind, for years, and while he tried to repress it for a while after that, because he wasn't exactly proud of the circumstances under which he had realized, he'd eventually made peace with it a few months before he started working at the hospital again. But this? Coming to terms with liking men as well as women is one thing, coming to terms with not quite being the gender you always thought you were, that everyone around you always thought you were, that even your _girlfriend_ thinks you are, is quite another.

He deletes all the pages from the computer's browsing history and spends his night trying to think about anything but gender, trying to ignore the ache in his chest when Zosia calls him her "handsome boyfriend" while they're cuddling on the sofa watching a movie.

(It's close enough. He doesn't have to come out. "Boyfriend" is good _enough_, close _enough_, it's not like he can't tolerate it or anything. He can definitely ignore the way he feels like he's lying to Zosia by not telling her about any of this - he's allowed to keep things to himself, after all.)

* * *

It doesn't go away the next morning. (Oliver hadn't expected it to, really, but he'd kind of hoped he could just sleep it off somehow.) It feels like a stab to the gut when Zosia teases him about how deep his voice is in the morning, and all throughout the day at work - with every "Mr. Valentine" he hears it feels more and more like a reminder of what happened with Mike at Albie's, more of a reminder of the fact he's not even entirely certain he's a man anymore.

The day after that, though, he feels perfectly fine with being called by male terms, and it's reassuring, kind of - he decides he was probably just overthinking things and goes about the next few days without a second thought.

* * *

And then he wakes up one morning feeling _wrong _in a way he doesn't think he ever has before, even when he was a teenager in secondary school who liked his first girlfriend's body in a way he was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to. His chest feels too flat, his facial hair feels like it shouldn't be there, and he (they? she?) realizes he really can't keep this a secret forever, can't pretend he's just a cisgender man who is mildly intrigued by the concept of nonbinary genders anymore.

He has the day off whereas Zosia's at work, so he tries on the dress from Halloween and looks in the mirror. It's not perfect, there are still so many things about him that feel _wrong_, but it's a start.

He has to - _she_ has to, she corrects herself, because it's not like anybody has to know if she's calling herself by female pronouns in her internal monologue to see how it feels - tell Zosia. She's not sure about anybody else yet, not when she doesn't even know _what_ her gender is anyway, but Zosia's her girlfriend and has every right to know.

* * *

And tell Zosia she does.

It goes a bit more awkwardly than she intended. Zosia finishes her shift about half an hour early due to it being a relatively quiet day on Darwin, doesn't let Oliver know out of a desire to surprise him, and as such gets home earlier than Oliver expected, to find her boyfriend in front of the mirror wearing the same dress he wore for his Halloween costume.

"I can explain," is the first thing Oliver says once Zosia sees them (her? him?).

Zosia just shrugs, takes a seat on the sofa and says "Ollie, listen, I don't mind if you want to wear dresses sometimes, I'm completely okay with that".

Oliver appreciates the support, even though Zosia is a bit off the mark with her guess. "It's... a bit more complicated than that."

They wait a moment to see if their girlfriend says anything before they continue. "You know what I said about that guy at Albie's who thought I was a woman?"

"Yeah."

"I... actually liked it. That he saw me as female. And I liked wearing the dress, as well, and - Jasmine and I treated this patient a few days ago, and they mentioned they were bigender which meant they felt like they were both male and female, and it got me thinking and - I think I mightnotentirelybeaman?" Oliver really hopes Zosia caught that last part, even though it ended up being blurted out all at once and sounding way more like a question than she planned for it to.

"Okay," Zosia seems to be trying to take it all in, but she seems to have caught everything her partner said, so that's good, at least. (Not that Oliver thought she'd react negatively - but saying that they think they might not be entirely male out loud was pretty nerve-wracking regardless. It was pretty nerve-wracking just to research nonbinary identities a week ago. In fact, it's still pretty nerve-wracking just to think about it now.)

"Okay. So, um, do you think you might be transgender then? Or nonbinary? I don't know much about it, but I'm totally willing to learn, if that's what you are."

"Nonbinary, I think. Possibly something like bigender or genderfluid? I don't really -" she doesn't think she's felt this lost for words in years, possibly ever - "- feel male, but I don't feel entirely female either? Honestly, I don't know. I felt perfectly fine being a man yesterday - for a few days before that, actually, but I feel more like a woman today, and felt sort of - like both - or neither, I don't really know - last week. I don't know if that makes any sense," he laughs, slightly, nervously.

"To be honest? Not really," Zosia gives her own nervous giggle, "I mean, I can't imagine feeling like that - your explanation does make sense, I just can't relate. Wait, is there anything you want me to call you? Like, if you want to change your pronouns, or your name."

"I don't think I'll be changing my name anytime soon, Oliver is perfectly fine. Pronouns - I have no idea, I've been trying to figure them out myself," she laughs, genuinely this time.

"We could always try out a variety of different ones and see how you feel," Zosia suggests. (Oliver was just about to suggest that, himself, but he's glad Zosia approves of the idea too.)

"Yeah. Yeah, that would be great. Thanks. Not just for that but for, well, everything - for being so okay with this."

Zosia smiles. "You're welcome, although I really don't need the thanks. And, hey, at least I didn't come home to find you cheating," she chuckles (and oh god she has the most _beautiful _laugh - it's not like Oliver didn't appreciate it before, but they notice it more than normal tonight, after the previous rush of anxiety and irrational nerves from telling her about questioning their gender identity, and it's like falling in love all over again). "Seriously, though. You did seem a bit 'off' after Halloween, I was worried something was wrong but I didn't want to ask about it in case you didn't want to tell me yet - I actually did kind of worry you were cheating, at one point, so I'm glad it's not that, and I'm glad you told me."

There's still so much to figure out - what her gender actually is, their pronouns, who he wants to tell, who she_ should _tell and when - but the first step is done, he's told Zosia, and that feels like a huge weight has been lifted off their shoulders.


End file.
